_♥A Bitter Sweet Life♥

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

It's so hard to keep something to yourself sometimes. Usually, I would pour out all my feelings in my Tumblr and I could not even care less who would be reading it cox it would be my only escape from reality. Now that I have given my Tumblr link to my closest friends, I would have 2nd thoughts writing inside it. So well, this is my second escape cox I'm sure that this blog would likely to be thought as dead and would not be checked at all.

Well, that isn't the main reason I'm writing here. Right now, many people around me are facing problems,especially the close ones, and all of them are moody. In my current situation now, I would wanna be moody and sad as well but that would not be good since there should always at least be someone that should lighten up the mood and I decided to be just that. This is because after watching The Secret, I would really wanna try my best to be someone that is positive and is smiling always. But I guess being just that is extremely hard for a pessimist like me.

Truthfully, I am down and there is so many things that causes this but I just can't seem to say it all out. Firstly is because I knew and I really do that no one could do anything about it. Even me myself. Everything seems to be going to ruins and all I could do is watch it fall as I try to heighten up my mood myself.

I hate myself for being like this. It made me feel weak and incapable of doing anything. The things that had really affected me was mostly my faults and I won't deny it but I feel helpless not being able to do at least something about it now. Actually, there is something I could do for every problem but i would either be unsure to do it or too egoistic to do so. Why is it so hard for me to solve my own problems? It was all my decisions that lead me to this 'ruins' but it was the same decision that I thought could make me happy. Why am I wrong in judging all of these? Due to this, I guess, many others near me would feel the pain as well and I truly would and had regret it. Surely I would try to run away from the problems sometimes and that was why I keep trying to make myself happy, but truth be told, I never could. In the back of my mind, I keep fretting of the consequences and the pain I had and will feel. It got me so scared sometimes and that's how I would get nasty headaches after thinking too much. Sheesh, I feel like I'm starting to sound petty and seriously, I don't want look pitiful.

I can't deny this but I do want attention but this is only because I want someone to JUST LISTEN to my rants. I don't need help, I don't need opinions, I just need a listening ear. I'm tired of only pouring out my feelings to the virtual world. But I really can't help it. My stupid conscious just won't let me tell this to anyone cos I don't wanna look petty, stupid, be judged or even be a burden to anyone. Besides, everyone got their own problems with them so I feel wronged to pour it to them. Now, I do feel petty so I think I shall stop writing this now. I did pour some of it out though, so this at least made me feel a tinge better. With this, I could get through another day of my life. I hope. Be strong, Me. Good vibes send in good luck. So the better you think of your life, the better your life would be. God, please grant me happiness and better life. 11:11, I would just wish for that. Aki, Hwaiting~!

Aki-chanz was alone 11:54 PM

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